The following is letter that I sent to my best friend. She recently broke up with her boyfriend and needs guidance in the right direction. We all can give the best advice, but it is difficult to take it. My approach is always hard hitting and straight to the point. I am going to say it how it is and how it WILL be. You will realize that you actually gained something from a break up. You gained YOURSELF.
(Please note that with respect to her privacy I have taken out her name, and references that would lead anyone to her)
Dear ######:
You know that I give nothing but tough love to you and my closest friends so please do not be offended by anything. Consider it a love smack by your best friend! When you were in that relationship, you had a one-track mind: your boyfriend. Now that you two broke up, you have a one-track mind: your ex-boyfriend. At what point will you forget the past and start thinking only about YOU? You don’t have to think about your past; you don’t have to think about what is gone; you don’t have to think about the love you are missing out on. It is better to be free than be enslaved by a tumultuous relationship; some love can’t be repaired. Yet now that you are out of it, you don’t know how to be free. It is a paradox. You are too paralyzed to move on because you are venturing into the unknown. Standing still is the initial reaction because you don’t know where else to go. You are abandoned in the blistering cold.
There is far too much life to live fully and alone to dwell on the what-if. Time quickly passes that you can never recover. I personally don’t want to live with regret. Dwelling and pitying has eaten years of my life. Even thinking about ONE SINGLE YEAR! 365 days. I could have done a million things in a year, but I did nothing! Never again.
Selfishness is healthy. After a break-up, you absolutely must be selfish. You must immerse yourself in new experiences, activities, and relationships to help create a new identity. All of the mental energy you possess must be devoted to repair and self-restoration. Nothing else. Otherwise your identity from the past remains your identity in the present. You must change EVERYTHING- experiment, risk, explore. Putting yourself out on a limb makes you stronger and more confident. Only you can change, there is nothing external that will initiate the process. I choose my thoughts; I choose my behaviors; I choose my proactivity. No one else can change these things. This is my biggest trap. I want some event to turn it all around, but this isn’t how it works. Change is a daily process- it is a lifestyle. Incremental, not overnight. I've said it a million times over to you "the universe will reward you when you make a change!"
There is tremendous power in self-mastery; it is a journey I have been toying with for a long time, but have yet to aggressively pursue it. Old thoughts and habits inhibit my success, as I let them destroy all progress in one single swoop. I work so hard, yet give it all away because my mind convinces me I am not worth it. This is a habit, not who I am. I must rid myself of it. Only you can be your own biggest cheerleader- it’s not vain and conceited; it is a necessity. If you tell yourself something over and over, you eventually believe it; THIS IS SO TRUE!
Ridding yourself of the past is no different than ridding yourself of any kind of addiction. You simply can’t go back; not even one taste. It is an all or nothing. Letting your past creep in is dangerous because it can take over. You just need to distance yourself. If its meant to be you two will find each other! You don’t have to let it control you; you just have to resist the urge to succumb to it. No pictures, no texts, no drunken calls. Nothing!
Life must move on. The world doesn’t stop spinning just because you can’t see the light of day. Life is waiting. Don’t miss out on it. Every second is a chance to be born again. Embrace the opportunities life has to offer- regret is probably more painful than heartache. You can love again, but you can’t live again.
You are my best friend and I love you but you need to START LIVING!
LOVE always,
Mk.
