there is nothing to chase, nothing to attain, only something to become.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Thank You.

somewhere someone is looking at their significant other and saying thank you.

they're looking at them, their face. that familiar face that their lips know as well as their eyes know. every highlight and shadow that make up that gorgeous structure.

the scruff and the little nook where their nose turns into their cheek. the cheek that they kiss once before they kiss the other.

they're looking at them and saying it with each kiss. they're saying it with each glance into those kind, mischievous, understanding eyes.

they say thank you when their fingers touch and their palms interconnect with each other like pieces of a puzzle.

they say it when they wake up to an arm and a body wrapping its warmth around their arm and their body.

they say it through a shrug of the shoulders. a raised eyebrow. a laugh. a scrunched nose.

thank you. they say.

thank you for being mine. thank you for being you. for letting me in. for wanting me as much as i want you.

thank you for you. and for me. and for you and me being here, together.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Happy Birthday to my HERO!

Preparing my speech for my father's birthday tonight...

"The occasion of your birthday, I wanted to share some true words that have been on my mind for some time. As your first child I am proud and blessed to have this opportunity to stop and reflect on a remarkable person who I am fortunate enough to have shaped my life and my being with love and guidance. I am also saddened that I cannot be around you everyday and tell you again how much I love you and respect you and appreciate everything you’ve done for me, for longer than I can remember.

So let me simply say, Dad, that I look at you as a hero, as my hero. You are an amazing man, one that I admire and appreciate and love. You showed me how to have fun, how to enjoy life, what family REALLY means, what leadership and sacrifice and responsibility and joy means. You have given me the very essence of how I perceive life and I cannot express how profoundly grateful I am for all that you have done.

I have so many memories of the kindness, and love and fun that you brought to my life over the years. Many of the best are the simplest. Like my fond memory of feeding your vcr with toothpaste, peach pits, and banana peels. Or the time you got me a mini car that I could only drive around in your bedroom. Or the time you took me on long walks around the neighborhood with your long leg strides and my short running legs with ONE HUGE ROCK inside of it! – Simple, perfect, ever lasting PAIN is what I recall! I didn't say a word because I didn't want to ruin the moment I had being with you for the day. Moments and memories that were created and I am grateful to look back and realize that I was pretty stupid as a kid!

Thank you Dad for all of those and many, many memories and your LOVE. For being my HERO. Truly! I love you from the bottom of my heart. You are a great man and I am so fortunate to be your daughter."

Mk.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

So finally, this is me moving on.

We all have our own way of moving on from a relationship. Sometimes words are the strongest when they have your entire heart poured into it. Read below for a friend that has truly let go, and in terms is finally moving on.

I'm writing you to tell you that I'm moving on. Which may or may not mean anything to you, but honestly that is beside the point. Writing this letter to you is more for my sake, and pretty much has less to do with you receiving it and more about me writing it. You see I am a true master at not dealing with things. I'm sure you could see that, I'm not fooling anyone so I'm not going to fool myself anymore. I push all the hurts and the scars and the less than lovely things into deep recesses in my mind to forget about. That is until something small and insignificant arises that reminds me of whatever it is tucked away into those neat little boxes in my mind turning me into a complete mess once again. I can never move forward because of this. You once said you wanted to see me fly. In order to do that I have to deal with all the shit that's weighing me down and keeping my feet from leaving the ground.

I have the chance to be with someone good. Someone who is genuine and has the time and patience to deal with a girl like me. Someone who I believe I can open up to, and not use whatever I say against me. I've realized that I need to learn to love the things that are good for me, and he might very well be one of those things. So in order to not fuck up this beautiful opportunity for happiness, I need to deal with us. Here I go...

I do not know why I feel attached to you. It's not like we were together very long. And it's not like we were even together. maybe it was the first night with you. Perhaps it was the idea of what it could be. Or you scooping me up in your arms and that first kiss. Or maybe, just maybe, it was the fact that I did not feel afraid at all with you. You spent that whole night with me on my tiny uncomfortable couch, and in the weeks to come I would memorize the sound of you breathing. And when you talked in your sleep which made me laugh. Mainly because of the conversation that you were having with yourself. I never thought that we would top that night. And for a while we didn't come close. Until that night you showed up on my doorstep without warning because you knew my heart was breaking. And you sat with me outside and let me cry and didn't force me to talk because you knew I wasn't quite ready yet.

I think that was when I unconsciously gave you my heart. Because it wasn't about us, it was about me and my brokenness, it was about the well being of my soul and you cared about that. That's what made you different than the others. I tried to tell myself that you used me. Because I know how to deal with liars and pretenders and manipulators. Because I can cry and eat a pint of ice cream and say 'fuck boys' and then get over it. It's much harder to get over someone who at one point cared for me. And I'm not even sure if I know how but I'll do my best. I thought maybe that closure was the answer. But I don't even think this idea of closure even exists.

"Closure" is just a term created by people so they can ask the same questions over and over hoping that someday they might get a different answer. I don't need any answers. I never really understood why you didn't want me anymore, and perhaps I never will, but that doesn't really matter. Because the fact is that you didn't want me anymore. And all I can do is accept that. And I do, I accept that. I'm not going to forget about you. That's not my goal here. My goal is to be able to look back on everything objectively and remember the things I learned about myself and the things I learned about people and life without feeling the pain that goes a long with these kinds of things.

So finally, this is me moving on. This is me wishing you well in whatever you pursue. This is me wishing you joy and happiness. And to one day, perhaps, being friends.